Modern Wedding Traditions for LGBTQ+ Couples
Marriage is an institution steeped in tradition and custom. Many of us have been engrained with the rituals surrounding weddings from books, television, film, and maybe even family lore (e.g. something old/new/borrowed/blue). From the proposal to saying your ‘I dos’, there are specific cultural expectations of a bride and a groom. But what if there are two brides, two grooms, or neither? As a queer person planning your own nuptials, you’ve may have wondered how you and your partner fit into those traditions or if its even possible to fit those traditions to you.
These days, couples of all orientations are bucking convention, opting instead to create new and personalized wedding traditions that feel right for them. For LGBTQ+ couples, this practice is even more prevalent as the customary wedding rituals never really worked for us in the first place.
Before we get into some of the ways we’ve seen LGBTQ+ couples create wedding magic by confidently defying expectations, we want to first emphasize an important disclaimer: the traditions we are discussing here are specific to the west, and the United States in particular. Many non-western cultures have their own wedding customs that we are simply not equipped to discuss with the appropriate cultural considerations. We always encourage couples to take the wedding traditions that resonate with them, personalize the ones they can, and leave the rest behind.
Getting Ready
Getting ready together…
It’s typical in heterosexual weddings for the bride and groom to prepare for their nuptials separately, usually surrounded by their (same gendered) family and close friends. In many instances the attire (i.e. bridal gown) may even be purposefully kept secret from the groom and only revealed during a first look ceremony or when the bride walks down the aisle. This tradition is based on the superstition that it may be bad luck for the groom to see the bride before the ceremony. For LGBTQ+ couples however, it is becoming increasingly common to see variations of this tradition with many opting to get ready together. This can be a very special time for the couple and represents the last few moments they will spend with one another before embarking on a new journey together in marriage.
It is also becoming commonplace for both LGBTQ+ and non-LGBTQ+ couples to have mixed gender wedding parties, further reducing the need for the couple and their respective ‘I do crews’ to get ready separately. A great example of this was a recent wedding we photographed with celebrity actors Jonathan Bennett and Jaymes Vaughan. A fabulous twist on the traditional gendered wedding parties, Jonathan and Jaymes wanted to incorporate their closest friends and chosen family into one group they collectively referred to as their ‘bests.’ No bridesmaids or groomsmen, just love.
Ceremony
Pick a seat, not a side
Forget the bride's side and the groom’s side for ceremony seating! For some LGBTQ+ couples, there may be a discrepancy in the number of guests invited by each person. Unfortunately, we most often see this if there is a lack of support from one of the families. Further, for many LGBTQ+ couples their wedding guests not only include their biological families but their chosen family as well. For these special individuals, the idea of picking a side may not make much sense. For these reasons, many couples are opting to leave this tradition behind and allow their guests to pick any seat they wish, as long as they show up on time! Pro tip: your invitation start time should always be 15-30 minutes before the actual planned start time of your ceremony.
Here comes the...happy couple!
One of the first things LGBTQ+ couples modify for their nuptials is the wedding processional. With different gender dynamics at play, how do you decide who walks first? Does one person wait at the altar for the other? Our LGBTQ+ couples have devised some creative ways to get down the aisle: everything from walking together hand-in-hand, to waiting at the altar at the beginning of the ceremony and allowing their guests to walk down the aisle toward them (if you chose to go this unique route, a pre-ceremony cocktail hour will help facilitate this). Another quick note here: for mixed gender wedding parties, there is no need to match men with women for the wedding processional. You can have your wedding party walk down the aisle in pairs of any gender, or individually.
The Vows
Customary readings during a wedding ceremony usually include passages from religious texts—think “in sickness and in health.” For many LGBTQ+ couples, these readings may not resonate. Feel free to replace these traditional vows with something that works for you and your partner. Some inventive and poignant ideas we’ve seen include readings from the landmark 2015 Supreme Court decision leaglizing same sex marriage throughout the United States or even a favorite romantic poem. Some LGBTQ+ poets to consider include Adrienne Rich, Walt Whitman, Emily Dickinson, Sappho, Audre Lorde, or a myriad of others!
“I now pronounce you…”
It’s perfectly acceptable to be pronounced “groom and groom” or “bride and bride”; however, a more elegant solution we often see is the officiant closing the ceremony with “I now pronounce you united in marriage,” removing the gender-specific language entirely. And what about the kiss? For many LGBTQ+ couples, public displays of affection may not feel comfortable. You should feel empowered to omit the kiss if that feels right for you and your partner, just be sure to let your officiant and photography/videography team know so everyone is on the same page.
Reception
Speeches
Customary speeches from the couple’s family and wedding party may not capture the full extent of chosen family present at your wedding. It is not unusual to see speeches from other honored guests at LGBTQ+ weddings. Alternatively, we’ve seen couples skip guest speeches altogether! One of our favorite moments from an LGBTQ+ wedding entailed two grooms giving a speech thanking each of their wedding guests, peppered with personal anecdotes.
Dances
Father-daughter and mother-son dances are not always possible or desired for LGBTQ+ couples, as these family members may not be supportive or present at the wedding. This tradition can be omitted entirely, or creatively re-worked. Some potential ideas: a choreographed number with the wedding party, or a dance with a close non-parental relative or friend. The options are limitless!
After the Wedding
Even after the big day, there are a number of marriage-related norms that LGBTQ+ couples have to navigate. For instance, how do you choose a last name? It is customary for the bride to take the last name of her groom. Even among non-LGBTQ+ couples, this tradition is sometimes modified by hyphenation or ignored entirely. But for LGBTQ+ couples, we’ve seen additional variations of this tradition including creating a whole new last name together.
Our goal as wedding photographers is to capture your wedding day in all it’s magic and raw authenticity. To that end, we encourage and celebrate couples who personalize their wedding to fit their needs. One of the most incredible things about being an LGBTQ+ person is that we aren’t afraid to break the rules, and usually what emerges is something even more fabulous!
If you are an LGBTQ+ couple looking for help planning your wedding, check out some of our other resources here. Or feel free to reach out to us directly—we’re more than happy to help!
